my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
