Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
