I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
