if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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