Can i not drive my cunt home
she was so not down for the gang bang
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
