i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
