she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
