I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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