how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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