I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
