I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
