Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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