Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
