So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
