I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I could have mohawked her pubes.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
