$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
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He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
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There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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