I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
