lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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