You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
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he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
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WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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