I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!