I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
pray to the hookup gods
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.