Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
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It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
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If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.