I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
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He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds