dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
my being single is dangerous.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
