I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
