So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
