Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
