It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
