Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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