she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
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when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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