Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
