i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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