So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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