Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
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