Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize