Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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