Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
