I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
