Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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