I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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