somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
