Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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