hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
