Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
