Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
