I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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