Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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