Having a random hookup so left but love u
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
