now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
