Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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