She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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