I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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