Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
