I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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