We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
