i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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