Buhtt sex?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
