I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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