i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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