bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
