I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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