Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
