Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
