Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
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